my lack of progress is due to lack of time

So corona virus is proving that this is definitely a lie. Being confined at home means all I have is time. So I should be accomplishing a lot, right? Nope. Its been a week since I wrote a blog post.  I was listening to a book called  the Big Leap by Gay Hendricks today and I want to start working on eradicating the lie.  I realized that as I start making progress, I shut down. I find other ways to fill my time to sabotage any progress I have made. Now how can I stop that from happening? Well recognizing the lies and the cycles can help.  I need to identify what my priorities are and what I truly enjoy doing, and start doing those things. I need to start saying no to some things and yes to others. I need to make the time work for me not rule me. I know.. sounds obvious, but sometimes the habits we made growing up are easier to believe than the things that are true.

Depression is gone

Most of me believes this, but this week has shown that its not totally true. With covid 19 we have been following government guidelines and staying home mostly. In South Korea jobs that can are working from home especially schools. So my husband (a professor) is teaching classes online. I feel like I did when the kids were all little and going out was hard. We have had bacon 4 times in 6 days. I spent more time on phone video games than I have on anything else in 2 days. I manage my depression usually by Taekwondo, outside activities etc.... all which are cancelled at the moment. Even getting a few hours of down time in our bedroom is out, because that is  currently his classroom and work space.  I am looking around me and realizing I recognize the coping skills I am using and need to figure out why.  What is stressing me out so much that I have cut and colored my hair, rearranged my furniture and zoned out for hours a day?  I am not sure of the answer yet but I am heartened by the fact that I recognize the signs and for me that is 90% the battle. I will be going back to the gym later today. I will make sure I eat real foods instead of processed. I went to bed and slept for 8 hrs last night. I removed the one game from my phone.( I kept the one that has max playing time of 30 min cause of lives :)  I know for me lack of interaction with people has always been an issue. Isolation can send me into a downward spiral quickly. But not this time. I do not believe the lie that I am alone. I refuse, because the truth is I am not.  I have a father God who loves me, I have a big brother sitting next to him, advocating for me and I have the Holy Spirit, the comforter, who breathes words of encouragement and instruction that can bring me through anything. Today is a new day.

Lie number 2

forever
at
this weight

That was today's lie this morning... Well part of it. It started with weighing myself... mistake number 1. I weigh over 200 lbs for the first time in 2 years. When we moved to South Korea, I weighed probably close to 220.  We walk every where here,  so in the first 3 to 6 months I lost over 25 lbs.  And kept them off. I was frustrated recently because I weighed 89 kg in January 2018 and same in January 2020. But this 3 weeks of inactivity due to corona virus has not helped. This morning as I looked down at that weight, my first thought is I will never lose the weight. I will always be fat. I will never be happy again. Yeah I know. all three of those are lies. I will never lose the weight... not true. I started again this morning at the gym (I miss taekwondo so much). I will always be fat is not true either.  The last one is the one that got my attention. I will never be happy again. Wait. where did that come from? No I am not happy about my weight, but  my happiness and my joy is not wrapped up in my weight.  My happiness and Joy come from one place and one place only... and that is from God. No it doesn't mean I never feel sad and never get depressed. But I know who I need to turn to with those feelings. He can help and does, even when I forget where to turn. Sometimes its a email or message from a friend. Sometimes its a song on the radio. Sometimes its a children's song from a long time ago.  I need to learn to recognize the lies every time, and declare the truth.

missed yesterday....direction for this blog

Slowly

Inflicting

Lies

Enveloping

Never-ending

Cursing 

Existence

This is the third rendition of this and finally ok with it. Silence was a way of life that was necessary for survival so it became too ingrained in my personality.  I can still remember sitting at counseling and being told she wasn't sure if we should continue for lack of any progress. This on my birthday...after crying my eyes out in the car for 30 mins after the session the week before. She had a list of what she should see and how counseling should go for an abuse survivor. But what she didn't seem to take into account was that the culture of silence and the fear of speaking or showing emotion had been trained into me from an early age. I had aspired to be Vulcan....and i was good at it. My life and well being had depended on it and i didn't yet feel safe enough with her to change that. For you counselors out there....just because someone comes in your door knowing we need counseling...doesn't mean we can automatically overcome that survival instinct of silence. You have to first find and crush the lies that became a part of the never ending records that play in our heads and overcome the survival instincts that helped us survive. Honestly...counseling didn't do that for me. At 36....I confronted the first lie and have been working on them as i discover them.

Lie number 1: you are always your parents child so they always have some control of your life until they die

Improperly used scripture: children obey your parents.

See if i am always their child....i have to always obey them.

That was the first lie that had to be seen and squashed. 

For the next posts...I am going to write about the lies that bind at least for my life and journey

Take away: children obey your parents in the Lord. Honor your father and mother.

The two parts of this verse are for different parts of life. Obey being for children (which includes an element of honor) honor being for adults. I do not have to obey my parents as an adult to still honor them.

Finding my voice

I realized something today and yesterday as I was writing my testimony and a facebook post on pod casting....I know why I shun away from videos and putting myself out there. Growing up....nothing was private in our house. My parents could enter our rooms...read our diaries etc whenever they wanted. So I learned never to write anything down. Sharing with others has produced mix results over the years. Most of the time with negative results lol. We tried implementing...ask yourself before you speak...is it true is it kind is it neccessay...if its true and neccessary...be kind.  It is very hard for me to see any as neccessary because my voice was stomped on for the first 36 years of my life ( thats how long it took for me to confront my parents). This is a new concept for me. Writing is so much a part of my being, I just thought it came easy to everyone. Until I went to college this last time and realized everyone else didnt write 3 to 5 page papers in an hour lol. So my assignment for myself this month....on top of everything else i am doing...is to write and find my voice. 

Todays take away:

I will call apon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised: so shall I be saved from my enemies.

Even if I never tell another person anything....I shall continue to tell the Lord because he never wavers. And is worthy of all praise.

podcast challenge

Today began the 31 day podcast blueprint with Felice Gerwitz of MediaAngels inc. I set my alarm for 445 am to go to her live session. You just have to love time zones. Honestly, I might start getting up earlier...it was so quiet here.  I learned a lot from her session and I think I found my voice/ topic: Math is fun.  I know a lot of people would say ewww yuck..are you crazy?. Maybe I am a little. We shall see.

Todays take away:

Psalms 119:89 and 90

Your word, Lord, is eternal; it stands firm in the heavens. Your faithfulness continues through all generations; you established the earth, and it endures.

I dont have to worry about Gods commitment or his words changing. Both are eternal and enduring.

need to look around

Today was a late start because I stayed up too late reading last night.  Late for me is 7am....I know to most people thats early but if I want quiet alone time, I have to get up at 6am or earlier. Did 20 mins...5.46 km ... on the stationary recumbant bike at the gym. 

Todays takeaway:

Philippians 2:3-4

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, ⁴ not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.  (Biblegateway)

I had a discussion last night that led to some questions about why a person made the decisions that she did in a particularly difficult situation. My only answer I can see  is that the two grown ups involved made the decisions based on what was most beneficial for them and totally ignore the needs of the children.  This verse is so convicting. Am i making decisions based on me or am I also taking my family into acount? I need to think more about how my decisions affect those around me